I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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