There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How does it feel to date your dad?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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