Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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