Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
