I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
