I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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