I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
