I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
