Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
