I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
