Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
