Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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