Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
