just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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