i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
