Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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