Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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