I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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