Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
