Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
