enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
