I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
