running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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