matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
