THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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