how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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