I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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