i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
