Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
