Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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