if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
