He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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