She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
