nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You've changed since you got that strap on
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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