Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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