Umm I'm too high to move.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
