The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
