and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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