i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
