I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I love having hate sex.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
