Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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