Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
