Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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