I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he puts the penis in happiness.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
