we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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