he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
