these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
