Michael Bay diarrhea
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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