I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
