I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
